Dispatch from your favourite accidental anti-BLM protester
What’s this sound?
Can you hear it too?
It’s my white supremacy crushing your head with a beer can.
It’s a beautiful, sunny day to exercise my patriarchal right to ruin everyone’s day while also getting away with it, because let’s face it, those police officers have got nothing on us. We’ve trained all our lives in football stadiums and busy pub nights for a day like this.
Sun’s out, guns out, right? They might take this a bit more literally over in the US, but it’s not like we’re fucking around either. We have been waiting to get our biceps and two brain cells out for all of lockdown. Because as you know, there’s nothing more important than to stand up for our freedom to tyrannise people.
We should probably get one thing straight first: I don’t actually care about history and politics and all that nonsense. I mean, who needs that? It’s so boring. What’s in the past, is in the past, who cares? Honestly, I’m all about seizing opportunities myself, make my own luck, you know. So today, I decided to take the bull by the horns and take what’s rightfully mine: the right to ignore the human decency followed by everyone else and being really loud and annoying about it. Thought I might be a bit racist at the same time, too. You know, doesn’t hurt. Meaning, it doesn’t hurt me, and who could be more important?
I don’t really care about why people have been protesting and it’s probably just fake news that they’ve been “oppressed” for centuries. No one lives that long anyway! But I thought, sure, fuck it, might as well have a day out with my mates and piss on some memorials.
When I think about it, us white men have actually been the real victims here. If our ancestors hadn’t given their colonies the gift of civilisation, who knows where they’d be today? They should be grateful! Not make us feel bad for being better than them! You know it took a lot of work to become the superior race. It’s not my fault that they were so shit at fighting back. It’s really just Darwinism if you think about it. Evolution. Survival of the fittest and all that.
Chanting “All Lives Matter” isn’t as fun as the legendary lines we bawl at football games, but hey, you take anything you can when everything is taken away from you. No one talks about how tough it’s been for white men like us, and it’s time to get our country back, especially our women.
In fact, this reminds me of that one time when a black guy stood between me and a bird I was trying to pull. I hadn’t even touched her that much. Just innocently pinched her butt a little to get her attention. Luckily, the lads had my back and he was the one leaving — took the girl with him though!! For a second I thought they were a couple, but then I realised what a crazy idea that would be, haha.
When we arrive at the statue, I start to wonder who I’m looking at. Can’t be that great of a guy if his statue is all out in the open for pigeons to shit on? A guy next to me punches my arm in response and shouts something along the lines of: “Churchill!”
Perplexed, I response: “Church who?” I won’t lie to you, I’m quite pissed and have a really hard time understanding the guy.
He repeats: “Churchill! Winston Churchill! The guy who basically killed Hitler!”
“Didn’t Hitler kill himself or something?”
Before I can get a response, fights start breaking out next to me. I’ve been trying to look around for my own human punching bag but for some reason there is no one there but our group and the police. Guess that will have to do.
At this point, I’ve already had a few tinnies, but can’t find a toilet. I see a guy with his back faced to everyone else, so I decide to join him. Is there anything sweeter than breaking the law in public and airing your wiener at the same time? This is the freedom my ancestors fought for.
I go back to the crowd pretending it’s the mosh pit I was deprived of this summer because of this stupid lockdown. We’re now raising our arms, shouting “England!” like there’s no tomorrow. Because who knows, maybe there will be no tomorrow for England when they’re done taking everything away from us? I’m not exactly sure who they and everything are, but I saw it in a Facebook post once and it sounded like they knew their shit.
We’ve been here for a few hours now, and quite frankly, I’m getting bored. Is it time for dinner yet? Might walk past the local kebab shop and pick something up before I get home. It’s been a hard day of work. I hope I made my ancestors proud.
